I am starving.

I should have picked "let's go shopping!" over "let's finish the page!"

Guuhhhhhh. Head hurts.

Anyway, I feel like I have had some good, productive days. I got some new character profiles done, wrote up some new layouts, and am in the process of planning the pictures for our two... yes... our TWO 2010 calendars. We are going to do images for official promo art, and then also a cheesecake picture version that will be sold for limited time right around Christmas. The other calendar will be on sale from, I am hoping, late October 'til late November, then we'll switch to the other one for the holidays, and then back to the other one for January for the late-birds. CLEVER MARKETING AHAHAHAHA.

According to the polls, at least 30 people are at least inclined enough to tell me what they MIGHT buy. I'm hoping that means people will buy things. I want to start offering some donation incentives, but I've no clue what. I guess that'd be another good idea for the poll...

AAAAAAND on top of that, I have to redo the layout to get this Wordpress + Comicpress thing working... and I know it will be the right thing to do for the site and for ease of updates and archives, but oh man I am soooo not looking forward to figuring it out and redoing everything. Can't I be a professional comic writer/artist yet, and stop worrying about web design, now? PLEASE print me!

I was gonna write more but my brain feels like it's being split in half by a viney plant beast that has proceeded to gnaw on my gray matter with its flytrap-like jaws, and pound on the walls of my skull with its outstretched tendrils of sturdy fauna. No joke.

I couldn't draw anything for months and months straight.

I believed I was a horrible waste of a writer.

I fell into a deep depression that even I didn't understand.

I kicked myself into gear and said I had to get out and be a big girl.

I got a job.

I lost my computer.

I lost one of our cats.

I got a new computer.

I convinced myself I should get back into our comic, even if just for the other creator.

I buckled down and got serious about trying to re-train myself to do things that used to come naturally.

I got incredibly, incredibly ill.

I had to go to the hospital.

I spent 3 months battling a 25-year-old dysfunction.

I realize it's only the things that we do, all together, that truly make someone happy.

We relaunched the comic.

We are sticking together through the tough times.

We are planning for the future.

We are able to be honest without fear, or rejection.

We are not giving up.

We cannot be alone in life - everyone needs someone.

And I'm finally feeling better. I'm glad I could give you the past 2 or so years in review. Now, perhaps, we can focus on something more important, like the present.

Yeah that's right.

I'm bringing sexy my LiveJournal back.

And sexy. Sexy's good.

Been ages since I posted in here... but I felt it was due time.

I had a disheartening conversation on a role play forum today (I know, very adult, intellectual start here, eh?) and to be honest... it cut to me more than I would have expected. It started innocently enough, someone was just continuing on with the usual prattle about super-models being sugar-coated idiots, or something to that degree... and it really got under my skin. Normally I'd chalk it up to just normal prejudiced that comes with all stereotypes and grouping habits, but this was a person who had said that, due to mood swings, she tended to be a bit on the unagreeable side but, and to quote, "I'm cute so I get away with it." So this was more than your average ignorance - this was a form of hypocrisy. You either don't condone using ones good looks for some form of profit, or you do.. take it or leave it, sister. I told her you can either hate and loathe all stereotypes, OR you are just as prejudiced as anyone else... knowing full well that we all have our different prejudices, just not everyone has purely NEGATIVE ones, which was my intent... and she ended up snapping back that she had just never seen a super-model she felt wasn't an airhead. Needless to say I have never SEEN much more MET a super-model in my life, so this seemed an absurd comment in and of itself, but I didn't want to get into a gigantic argument and was on the way to bed (which I am now putting off to write this, in my lame fury, mind you) and simply closed off by saying, and to quote again, "The world is dying a slow death of an overabundance of intolerance... Good night."

I checked back after a shower to try and calm myself down and to soothe my continuing stomach pain, and saw the comment did indeed shame her, but it didn't make me feel much better. Of course, I already knew why. It was because my comment had unraveled something much deeper that I thought, which came to light while trying to literally steam out my... well... steam.

The world really *is* so intolerant. And it really *is* so hypocritical. I ran myself in mental circles over the course of a short ten minutes, and came up with far too many disturbing semi-truths. The media makes a standard of beauty - makes it something you can sell, but only under certain circumstance - but then it completely controls and can change at will the so-called mass opinion. However, ordinary people like you and me are considered beautiful to those close to us (and undoubtedly random passerby once in a while, let's not be overly modest while stripping down such a baring subject, shall we? Do lets.), even though this mass opinion is enforced upon us as well... so that in itself denies the media control over our individual minds. It makes true the statement that we are ALL beautiful, in the eye of the varying beholder... even if that beholder is not popular opinion. So then why should we dog on the media if we have that power within ourselves to differentiate between something commercial and something real? And does it make something commercial less beautiful?

The answer to both is that it really shouldn't matter.

If you truly are your own person, it just shouldn't fucking matter.

The DEEPER answer, then, is that you have not only the popular opinion pushing one way, but then you have those who push the exact same direction without even KNOWING it, by claiming the media, television, magazines, everything else, dictates to us how things should be, thus making MEDIA responsible, rather than making THEMSELVES responsible. So long as they acknowledge the media has this control, doesn't it indeed HAVE that control? You only need the majority to deny it, to TRULY deny it, to turn the tables... but people would rather have a scape goat. People would rather blame the media they're spoon-fed - and God, do they ever eat it up - by their own hand. We aren't babies, anymore, we choose what we digest. If you take in the same nonsense for nutrition day after day, then spit it back up without replacing it with something more fulfilling, than you aren't solving the problem at all.

We are all our own person operating in a sea of billions. The majority swaying in one direction isn't an in sync motion of everyone leaning to their right (in a directional, not political sense) - it is millions and millions of people squirming this way and that in an effort to do what they want, smashing into the person next to them and influencing a chain reaction of bodies falling, trampling; some in retreat but most shoving or faltering in an overall effect that may appear to the untrained eye - from somewhere out in space - to go one direction.

But you can't believe that. You have to get down in the masses, you have to fight the good fight and shove the person next to you to the left, or to the North... or hell, shove 'em to the right with everyone else if that's what you want. You have to really feel yourself in that hectic struggle that we all face day to day, that raw, instinctual aggression that says fight or flight, do or die - kill or be killed - even in a world continually dumbing down survival of the fittest until its been whittled away to a simple matter of being a "good" person (a fictional term if I ever did hear one) rather than being a "fit" person.

If we were really such good people, and if it was really so much about making this planet inhabitable for us as "superior" thinkers... we would all SIT THE FUCK DOWN. And STOP PUSHING. STOP FIGHTING. Just smile to the person next to you, and think back to Charlotte's Web. How very special are we, inmotherfuckingdeed.

However, it's just not that way. And the truth is... because of the majority... it can't be that way. The potential for greatness is ingrained in the human mind, in that chunk of wrinkles protected (barely) by your skull... and I can't help but feel that, for the most part, we are going to waste it. We are going to waste it trying to do what we think is right. Hurrah for the righteous, hurrah for the opinionated... hurrah for everything that makes us the top of the food chain also causing us to sprint headlong into a tragic destiny.

When I got out of the shower tonight, I stared at myself for nearly ten further minutes in the mirror, until long after the fog had subsided. I stared at myself until I ceased to make any sense. And yet, it was the most concrete reality I had the whole night.

Well... I finally got around to getting some pictures together, seeing as this is a picture blog, now. Casey bought a tablet - a REALLY nice one, a Graphire4 which is easily the best I've used.. sorry, Nancy's Graphire3 and Theresa's Intuos2! - that is pretty much couple property, so we'll take turns with it here and there. Here's what I've been working on!



This is May and a hideous swamp creature from our as of yet unnamed comic that we'll be starting very soon.. we wanted to see how our art styles meshed together, and I'm rather pleased. He obviously did the monster and the tentacles, and then I drew May and the surrounding flora, and also colored the piece. I'm pretty proud of it. Looks great on glossy paper. Will probably wind up as a cover.




And THIS is a piece both drawn and colored by myself, inspired by the song Henry Lee by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. So if you wanna get it, you should listen to it, seeing as it's awesome, anyway.

That's it for now. More soon!

Soon I'll be switching all my entries here to "Friends Only", and turning this LJ into a sketch blog. It will help me with having a place to put my work while O31 is on hiatus and my other project is still in its blooming stages. I'm going to include some of Casey's work, perhaps, to get people's opinions on it.

I suppose I just don't have the need to document these sorts of things, anymore.. Not that I have anything against it. And not that I still won't read friend's entries, because I like getting that kind of insight. It's just not for me, not right now, and if I ever feel the need to talk about something emotionally racking I know I have the right people in my life to just open up to in person about it.

That's a fine, fine, feeling.

So... I suppose... to leave this on a positive note... Theresa and the kitties moving back in sometime during late June / early July... still get to see lots and lots of my sister and her adorable poochie... going on 10 months with my lover, Casey... will be juggling two graphic novel projects while only working weekends for a couple months (soooo nice to look forward to!)... and really can't complain.

And if I can, I'll find one of those people mentioned up there to talk to. Ha.

Bye bye, LJ!

What would you cry for?
Swallow your pride for?
What would you go wild for?

Time for a lengthy entry, I'd say.

I'm in love, and how marvelous it is. I can't think of any ways he could be better, he fills in all the blanks.. he even filled blanks I didn't know were there in the first place. He makes me so happy. And he says I make him very happy, and that's so important to me. I try to do little things to make his days better, and I'm pretty sure he knows that, but a lot of it just kinda comes naturally. It's impossible to be bad to him. I don't know how other girls didn't spoil him enough to keep him... they're missing out.

As far as my artwork goes, O31 is currently on a hiatus, which is fine because Nancy and I are both exploring other projects. We aren't abandoning O31 by any means.. it's too detailed and too, well, awesome, to give up, to be quite frank. We just need a little break. I gotta save up for a tablet, and Nancy has a lot of ideas I think she wants to play with. She deserves to! She has some good stuff on her hands, and I hope she figures out what she wants to do. It's all just a matter of managing time.

As for me, I've started a new comic that I'm doing in conjunction with Casey. It's REALLY cool so far, and I'm ecstatic because he seems to be really into it. He's suggesting ideas, thinking up characters, brainstorming with me.. it's like having someone with almost the same passion as Nancy when we work together. He hasn't QUITE matched hers yet, but who knows? Maybe he just needs some time to have it brought out of him. I'm surprised he's been as fervent as he already is so far. He hasn't been drawing very much since I met him, but he's amazing [as seen in progress here] and I know between the two of us that this will be a story that matches if not EXCEEDS the story with its artwork. O31 is kind of one of those things where the art will never, ever match the story or the characters themselves. It's too intricate. But this one has a fairly basic outline that's really going to be experienced best if you enjoy the amount of work put into the art.

That's not to say that we didn't collectively pound out some bad-ass characters, though. I think a lot of the cast in this one has the potential to be just as well liked as the O31 cast.. some of them might even be MORE marketable due to the nature of the story, but who knows? Marketable doesn't always mean better.

I'm still living with Casey and our other roommates... it's nice, save for the fact the kitchen is virtually unusable. We don't really concern ourselves with the downstairs.. we stay up in the room, or we go out. Simple as that. The only thing Casey uses the downstairs for is the XBox 360 and the copy of Dead Rising we're borrowing from Theresa.

Speaking of which.. I miss living with her and having our own place, quite a bit. It was nice having our kitchen, our respective rooms, our... well... space, in general! I know she's pretty frustrated with her parents' house right now, it sounds like a real nightmare. I feel bad for her parents.. and her, naturally, but honestly. They have a kleptomaniac-sociopath daughter who needs either a lobotomy or a straitjacket.. ugh. But I guess they're working out something, and that's for their family to deal with. I just hope it gets worked out for Theresa and her mother's sake, because it sounds like they get the blunt of it, and they don't deserve it. Her mom's so sweet! I'm going to be looking into seeing if I can get their deck and backyard fixed by some family friends.. she deserves to enjoy her household.

Theresa also says rates in Livermore are going down, so maybe we'll be able to rent a house soon? I agree with her about really wanting to get an actual HOUSE.. the apartment was cool, but that complex in particular was fucking GAY, and compared to all our friends who are renting houses, it's just not the same. It's up to Theresa, but we may even be suing Rhonewood for breaking their own agreements on the lease.

Anyway. I want to see my seeeeester at some point today, I feel bad because I didn't yesterday.. but my dad was being a real dick about something and wouldn't give me a straight up yes or no answer (which we all know I hate) so... meh!

Today will be a good day.

Today was kind of confusing. I like my new living situation.. I like it about 90%. And the 10% I don't like is either very minor or caused by things not actually going on in the house, which is kind of unfair.

I talked with Nancy a lot this evening. I was basically telling her how I just don't know what's expected of me on all accounts. And she pretty much told me it sounds like I'm doing what I can, where I can, when I can and to just not fret about it.. That's very difficult, though.

Uuuggghhh.

It's been 2 months without getting depressed, now! And I've yet to been able to actually ENJOY it. Now THAT is frustrating. Can't life just get put on hold? I could be oh-so happy.

Anyway, I get to see my old friend Cat and her boyfriend in about an hour. That'll be swell!! I haven't seen her in a long time.. it'll be fun to catch up! And now I have a boyfriend actually WORTH bragging about. Burn.

I've been really bitter about that, lately, too... it's weird... I keep going in and out of thinking I'm over it and not angry anymore, then I'll be angry all over again.

Fuck him in the ass, oh Satan.

It's crazy looking back on one year ago.. things were so different. For me, personally, this time last year actually wasn't bad, but this year is about 20 times better.

Anyway, gotta get going or else I'll be late. More later?

It's very embarassing to have your boyfriend and his best friend walk in on you bawling... and having absolutely no explanation whatsoever... especially when you previously explained to your boyfriend that you haven't been depressed in almost two months...

And I haven't been.

I'm just a jackass.


---


When I came here there was more.
Now I've come back to destroy.
And I've got nothing left.
And it's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love.
And it's a place I cannot go,
Anymore.

When we collide, we lose ourselves.
When we collide, we break in two.
And as we push, and we shove,
And we hurt the ones we love.
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
We break.

When the cold comes crashing down,
And the fight lost what it's about,
I could tell that you'd left.
And it's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love.
It's a place I cannot go,
Anymore.

It's a funny thing to finally overcome your fears, your shortcomings, and your general hang-ups. It's funny because you, yourself, can have your act all together, but if an outside influence comes into play, your newfound zen doesn't really help much.

I need a holiday.

More to come.

She says it's been a big help to have me, Nancy and Casey.

And all I can think is how deprived she is for not knowing what it's like to have Nancy, Casey and her.

<3

Something I wrote in a MySpace bulletin that I will now share with you. I'll add more once I'm home.. I'm at my lover's house hijacking his computer while he sleeps.


"It's been 5 days since I felt even slightly depressed. That doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's honestly a record. I can't remember the last time I felt this.. well... normal.

And it's beyond nice.

I'm very happy.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reached out to me both on Friday, when I was at my worst, and continuing over the weekend. You're all my heroes!

And this goes for everyone who made an effort... by message over MySpace, text, phonecall, or even in person... And a special thank you to those who freely offered phone numbers, their own personal woes, and their own methods of coping, and those who made sure to make me not feel so alone and so much like a freak for feeling that way.

Lots of people I really, truly talked to for the first time this weekend. It was very refreshing.

And one special person I got to talk to like I haven't in so long... and that was one of the biggest helps of them all. The turning point. <3

My life has really been put into perspective, and while the problems that had me down haven't lessened, my dependency on happiness through the resolution of those problems has disappeared. I'm ready to be thankful for the good things in my life, and learn that the bad things will be there some of the time no matter how hard you try. The secret is to just get over it and keep moving forward.

Love to all!

Oh, and while I'm thinking of it...

December is my favorite month of the year, because of the holidays. I'm a holiday freak. So while the time's right, let's all hang out and enjoy it. 'Tis the season!"

Stolen from Mr. Beege.

As I Sat Sadly By Her Side
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds



As I sat sadly by her side
At the window through the glass,
She stroked a kitten in her lap
And we watched the world as it fell past.
Softly she spoke these words to me,
And with brand new eyes, open wide,
We pressed our faces to the glass
As I sat sadly by her side.

She said, "Father, mother, sister, brother,
Uncle, aunt, nephew, niece,
Soldier, sailor, physician, laborer,
Actor, scientist, mechanic, priest,
Earth and moon and sun and stars,
Planets and comets with tails blazing,
All are there forever falling...
Falling, lovely, and amazing."

Then she smiled and turned to me,
And waited for me to reply.
Her hair was falling down her shoulders,
As I sat sadly by her side.

As I sat sadly by her side,
The kitten she did gently pass
Over to me and again we pressed
Our different faces to the glass.
"That may be very well," I said
"But watch that one falling in the street,
See him gesture to his neighbors -
See him trampled beneath their feet.
All outward motion connects to nothing,
For each is concerned with their immediate need.
Witness the man reaching up from the gutter,
See the other stumbling on who does not see."

With trembling hand I turned toward her,
And pushed the hair out of her eyes.
The kitten jumped back to her lap
As I sat sadly by her side.

Then she drew the curtains down,
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart,
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers.
And God does not care for your benevolence,
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others.
Nor does he care for those who sit
At windows in judgment of the world He created
While sorrows pile up around him
Ugly, useless and over-inflated."

At which she turned her head away,
Great tears leaping from her eyes,
I could not wipe the smile from my face
As I sat sadly by her side.

Well, you know the rest of the saying.

I got a new job today! I'm still going to be doing day shifts at Applebee's, but I have a job at Zephyr, which is this really upscale place downtown. My friend John who works there says he normally makes $40 on a table... so say I have 4 tables per shift? That's $160 a night. Boo-fuckin'-ya!! And that'd be a slow night, I'd imagine. I'm super-psyched about it! Plus they're looking for more people, so Theresa picked up an application. She's bar-training this week, so she doesn't want to apply yet, I guess, but maybe she will down the line. Who knows? Maybe I won't end up broke this holiday season after all!

I'm in a difficult spot lately.. I feel trapped - like there's too many expectations. I explained it in detail to my seeeeeeester, and she gave me some overall good advice.. and the stuff she couldn't advise me over, she at least let me get it off my chest. It was nice to just have someone to listen. She's always good for that. =)

Anyway.. I was going to write more, but I lost my passion for it. Maybe more later!

This is something for the people who make it worth-it.

This is for my constants.
This is for my confidantes.

Something for my laughter,
Something for my lover,
Something for my anchor,
Something for my sister.

I know sometimes I can be difficult,
If not downright impossible.
I don't do it to hurt you,
I don't do it to frustrate you,
I don't do it to worry you,
Even though I know it does.

But I hope you can come to understand,
Somehow,
That no matter how much it worries you
To please realize how much worse it would be

Without you.

I need you more than you know.

I need you more than any words,
Any tokens of affection,
Anything I buy you,
Anything I tell you,
Any joke, any smile,
Any "I love you"s,

They will never be enough.

Because without you,
I am nothing.

Lately I have claimed to have no drive.
I've said I have no passion.
But that can never be fully true,
And if I ever say it is, you know I'm lying,
Because you are my passion.


For my laughter:

Please don't take my eagerness as jealousy.
There's nothing you couldn't tell me.
You have my utmost respect,
My utmost trust,
And I could never judge you any further
Than I already know to be true.

Distance is not a factor
Because

You are
one in a million.

And you cannot be replaced.


For my lover:

I wish you could understand all my changing moods,
And realize they are not reflective of you -
They are reflective of me.

I am insecure.

You are helping me to change that.

You make me feel joy when I'm weighed down.
You make me feel appreciated when I'm cast-off.
Sometimes you make me feel like I'm worth everything,
And sometimes you make me feel priceless.

And sometimes you just make me feel.


For my anchor:

How difficult it must be for you
To try and adjust to someone like me.
I wish there was no brand of my honesty
That could wound you.

I want you to be bulletproof.

All the pompous superiority
That others bury you in...

Shine through it.

I know you can,
Because
You helped me shine through
When I thought I had no light at all.

I hope you know how bright you are to me.


For my sister:

There are no words,
No songs,
No poems,
No feelings,
No tears,
No smiles,
No laughs,
No loves,
People,
Places,
Or anything at all in the entire world
That could ever tell you how much I need you,

How important,

Or how
Beautiful
You are.



This is transcendent of language.
This is my love letter.

No joke. Behold, night one, in which Theresa swept up several gullible young men's phone numbers, we attracted mobs, and won 2 out of 4 of the Costume Contest categories (that's Sexiest and Scariest, for those wondering.. ha-cha-cha!)



































































And then, on Halloween night, Theresa, Casey, Aaron and myself went out to this Haunted Barn thing (not scary at all, actually kind of a waste of 5 bucks if you ask me) but still, better than nothing! Then poor Theresa wasn't feeling very well, so Casey and I went out and hit the bars. I got to hear all about how Theresa and I were the "talk" of all the guys at Joe's workplace, hahaha. Apparently he and some other people have been showing around our nurse pics. Funny.

Anyway, last night I was an 80's groupie. ROCK!
















I'm FINALLY getting to go out more often, and I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy!! <333

Anyway, Casey's over and I think I'm gonna go pounce him* 'cause I wanna take a break from working on the Disposition Of band picture.

*You can take that however you like, you sickos.

Well, not really. But this will be the second night in a row I go out and hit the bars. Of course, I don't drink, sooooo it was really nice to know most of the people out and the bartenders, because it meant no pressure to do so.

Jared was particularly happy that I came into Good Times, where he bartends. He was all "Is this your first time in my bar?!?!" It was kinda cool. I had a lot of people tell me it was good to see me out, and hoping to see me more often, AND just as I expected, Casey learned that it is possible to take out your non-drinking non-smoking girlfriend and not feel like I was harping on him.

So tonight I get to take Theresa with! We probably won't stay out very long because I dunno how she's feeling about it, but I certainly don't want her to feel trapped. So when she wants to take off, we'll take off. I know there's people she'd probably like to see, who'd love to see her too, though.

Hum. Other news! The costume! Well, to say Casey likes that nurse dress would be an understatement. I, myself, am not crazy about it, but I think after the proper modifications I'll be rightly pleased. It's a high-quality get-up, and I'm shocked it was priced as low as it was. It feels nice, too.

But DAAAAMN is it low-cut!!!! You can see my fucking bra in that thing. Egads!!

Ah, well. That WAS what I wanted. That's how you rock the Silent Hill nurse, biiiaaaaatch!

I'm hopping from subject to subject a lot tonight...

I feel bad for Theresa right now. Just a lot of stress she shouldn't have to deal with.. but I know she'll figure it out in the long run. I think she's coming to settle on the fact it's not her problem, and she doesn't have to try and solve it.

And because I know my roomie reads this, remember Theresa, don't despair! Jail time builds character!

I kiiiiiid.

But no, really.

It does.

Anyway. I gotta go get ready, because I wanna be down there by 9:30. I'll most likely post on costume progress tomorrow. Good night!

"Go to mum's
Get Liz back
Straighten out life"

I've got a to-do list of what I have to do to be comfortable. It's shockingly not as long as I thought it would be.. New job, more things to do during the day, and get more familiar with the friends I have.

I think I can manage. I know other people are making the effort, I just have to make it back.

We've got Misty's Halloween party this Saturday, and there's going to be live bands at it, which is very exciting. Casey still doesn't have a costume idea, but we're working on it. Theresa and I are about halfway done with our Silent Hill nurse costumes... we still need to order the actual costumes, but we have all the necessary supplies, and I'm very stoked. Been practicin' my nurse shake.

You got to shake it, sha-sha-sha, shake it.

And!! I didn't even realize my friend Kimo's band Pop Murder (which is a great, great and very entertaining band, by the way) is going to be playing there!! I didn't even know that he knows Theresa's brother Tom, too, so what a small world. Hum.

I have White and Nerdy stuck in my head. If you haven't heard it, you really really really really really really should. It makes me smile everytime.

Can't think of anything else at the moment.. I suck at updating my journal.

I guess just call if you want to catch up. I'm very bored lately, and free every night.

EXCEPT SUNDAY. That is my TV night. Unless you want to join all of us for TV night.

That is all.